One-night-stand Deed

I, [your name here], hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication.

I will not return to the scene of said activity, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less that thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria form myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due to a stranger.

I will say “hi” if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of heretofore listed activities hot leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knickknacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer’s adobe for the sole purpose of returning to said adobe and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.

I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also play one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.

Signed,

[sign here]

Fornicator At Large

How to fuck someone and still be friends!

How to fuck someone and still be friends. Or, your cut-and-keep guide to being a good fuck buddy.
1. The Sex. Must be good. Otherwise, why bother? This person is not going to raise children with you.
2. The Companionship. It helps if this is someone you get on with and see around socially. Puts a nice ending on all those group nights out when it looks like you aren't going to pull (or, pull anything decent). You've pulled before you even arrived. What if he's pulled and you haven't? Even better - take them both home!
3. The Gossip. People will assume you're a couple. Get your stories straight and nip this in the bud.
4. The Jealousy. There shouldn't be any. If you suspect this is someone whose dalliances with others you might be even remotely miffed about, move on, it's not going to work.
5. The Talk. Must be open and frequent. Nothing sucks quite like finding your fuck buddy has secretly fallen for you.
6. The Protection. Never forget he has carte blanche to fool around, and so do you. Regular does not equal clean.
7. The Foreplay. Don't play the whole 'I'm drunk, club's shut, didn't pull, I know you're home alone' booty call shtick. Not more than half the time, anyway.
8. The Threesomes. With luck, there should be plenty.
9. The Others. If a potential amour asks if you're sleeping with your fuck buddy, don't deny it. Disclosure might send a third party running, but you were going to have to lie to someone like that to keep the peace anyway. You don't have to be explicit - 'Yes, and just this morning I woke to him wanking on my face.' Just be honest.
10. The Goodbyes. You must behave like adults. And don't ring him three weeks later from Africa and say you'd marry him if he'd have you back. It's a lay, not a life.

Got this from Here.

Girls' Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said: - "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

Words...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work thatway, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.-- Erno Philips

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.-- Phyllis Diller

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.-- Erica Jong

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.-- Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.-- Henry Youngman

Fool me once : shame on you
Fool me twice: shame on me --Russian proverb??