39 Kinder Ways To Say "You're Stupid"

1. He's sharp as a marble!
2. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
3. A few clowns short of a circus.
4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
5. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
7. Dumber than a box of hair.
8. A few peas short of a casserole.
9. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
10. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
11. One taco short of a combination plate.
12. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
15. Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
16. Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
18. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
19. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the waydown.
20. An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
21. As smart as bait.
22. Chimney's clogged.
23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
24. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
25. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
26. His antenna doesn't pickup all the channels.
27. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
28. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
29. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
30. No grain in the silo.
31. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
32. Receiver is off the hook.
33. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
34. Skylight leaks a little.
35. Slinky is kinked.
36. Surfing in Nebraska.
37. Strong, like a bear...Smart, like a tractor.

Quotes and Toasts of the Day

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love?Honey, I'm home." (Ken Hammond)
"I am always looking for meaningful one night stands." (Dudley Moore)
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother." (Charles Pierce)
"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
"I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling"
"I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line"
"If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You"
"Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)"
"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus"
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him"
"She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft - She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger"
"When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Walking In"

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Telling Stories to Women!

The difference between telling stories towomen at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58 ?

Age 08 - you take her to bed and tell her a story.
Age 18 - you tell her a story and take her to bed.
Age 28 - you don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed.
Age 38 - she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
Age 48 - you tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
Age 58 - you stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

I got this from an email, a friend had sent me. I don't know if there's anyboy who has guts to put this on his/her cake but, I think it is a great idea for a bachelor party

What happens if you say, "Fuck You" to presidents?

U.S.A. You say "Fuck you" to the president of U.S.A. Nothing happens. You become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.

ENGLAND You say, "Fuck you" to the president of England. The president says "fuck you" to you too.

FRANCE You say, "Fuck you" to the president of France. Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.

JAPAN You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Japan. The president says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body.

"GERMANY You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Germany. The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".

SWEDEN You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Sweden. People vote if they accept you to fuck the president or not. If the answer is yes you fuck the president. If the answer is no, the president shakes your hand.

ROMANIA You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Romania. The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.

TURKEY You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Turkey. The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.

CHINA You say, "Fuck you" to the president of China. The president literally fucks you.

ITALY You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Italy. You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.

RUSSIA You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Russia. The president kisses your mouth.

SAUDI ARABIA You say, "Fuck you" to the president ... But, there is no president, you become foolish.
But if you say "fuck you" to the king, the king cuts your tongue...