TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A
DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

Aries women:

Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere. You know what you want. Intense and frequent sex. You have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthy. Biggest thrill - the
tickle of a man's facial fuzz.

Aries men:

Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you . Never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave/master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.




Taurus women:

You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both in giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo.
Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting.

Taurus men:

He's the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers It slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.




Gemini women:

Often the aggressor, you are never embarrassed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main
requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one-woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.

Gemini men:

He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.




Cancer women:

Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervour that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. In your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!

Cancer men:

His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.




Leo women:

Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets intensely responsive - and there are bed-partners who have scars to
prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates:Libra,
Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!

Leo men:

Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: Never tease. His endurance is remarkable and he
has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.




Virgo women:

You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.

Virgo men:

Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pyjamas, shaving equipment,
and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography.
Erogenous zone: his buttocks.




Libra women:

Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be
seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost
anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position
where your buttocks are exposed.

Libra men:

Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of a menage a trois. He
has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily
removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!




Scorpio women:

Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating
gels, and vibrators.

Scorpio men:

A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of .. oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.




Sagittarius women:

You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Sagittarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes!

Sagittarius men:

Sex is always an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! He will go to any lengths to please his chosen woman; and is extremely loyal. Erogenous zones: genitals and inner thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's labia and breasts and likes to have sex with a woman in peek-a-boo Panties.




Capricorn women:

Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only in staying power. Since you like to dominate you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates:
Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.

Capricorn men:

Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!) Prefers a woman who knows what he
enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. . Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the
sides of his spine.




Aquarius women:

A slow starter, you idealise love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes
trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water.

Aquarius men:

Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though -a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!




Pisces women:

Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests.
Loves soft candlelight, warm fireplaces, mystery; applies romanticism in all she does. A true romantic at heart. Favourite place: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.

Pisces men:

Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving to match his own. A master at foreplay and oral sex, you should expect several orgasms orally before he gets down to the main event. Pisces men have tremendous endurance, so be prepared. Likes sex in a chair, also standing. He likes to be submissive at times. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet.

A black man was walking through Stamford Hill and kicked a lump of mud. As his kicked it he made it made a tinkling sound.

He picked it up and started to clean off the mud. As he cleaned he saw it was a star of David. He started to polish it on his jumper and suddenly poooof! A Genie appeared.

Ooooooh my boy! I'm a Jewish Genie and I've been stuck in here for a thousand years! As you've been the one to release me I'll grant you
one wish!

"Aren't you supposed to offer me three?" said the black man.

"Look pal, I said I'm a jewish genie, It's one, do you want it or not?"

The black man did not hesitate, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by pussy!"

There was a blinding flash and...


Punch Line
he turned into a tampon!

Never forget if you're ever offered something for nothing there's usually a string attached!

Courtroom Gaffes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A:"Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

From some of our younger users:
Q: Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
A: To keep from falling into the cocoa.

Submitted by: Kim

Q:Why is Six afraid of Seven?
A:Because Seven ate (eight) Nine!!!

Q:What did the mayonnaise say when the 3 girls opened the refrigarator?
A:Close the door, I'm dressing!!!

Submitted by: Daniell N.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?

No silly, cows go moo!!

My friend who just had come from Iran with almost noEnglish luckily due to his good looks found a little hotty blond girlfriend. Once she was at his house and his mom had cooked ash for them. She really liked the "ash" and asked for the ingredients. Here is his description of ingredients as he directly translated Persian stuff into English....

My dear, hearrrre arrrrrre vhat my moder puttt in this Persian soup:

yellow wood (zar chube)
Indian stamp ( tamr e hendi)
wet blood (tar khun)
wet-e (tarre)
my loving wind (ba'demjun)
flower of a cow's tongue (gol ga'v zabun)

Later their relationship was going down the tube. He said to her,"Look,I very very love you, let me eat your liver, but over that donkey (ba'la' khare) my eyes don't drink any water. Light my homework (taklif e man ra' rowshan kon!)."

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

The American Way

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Dog vs. Leopard at Safari


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

New Stud Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

A Final Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Warming Up His Body Parts!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up. So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one #### of a mess when they defrost!"

A father was taking a shower in the presence of his three-year-old daughter.
Looking at her dad, the little girl said, "Daddy, you have a penis."
The father said, "Yes, I do."
The girl considered a moment, and then said, "I don't have a penis."
Dad said, "Yes, that's right."
More consideration, then the little girl said, "Mommy doesn't have a penis."
Again, Dad confirmed this.
The three-year-old frowned, and then looked up at her father said reassuringly,
"Well Daddy, I don't think you should worry, because yours is very small."

Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A. One is a good year, and the other is a great year!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.


Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.


Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

Q. What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a
minute ago."

Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.

Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q. Why doesn't Barbie have babies?
A. Ken comes in a different box!

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to another?
A. How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, and blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Pickle Slicer
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle-slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle-slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."