Wife Jokes

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one man said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted" Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can
have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was the man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Smart Answers!

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says: "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

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What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

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Husband asks: "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? Without Information Fighting E very-time"

Wife replies, " No, It means, W ith Idiot F or Ever !!!"

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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

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A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??"

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

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A young boy asks his Dad,

"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential.

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

Home Depot customers, beware of Stupid Shoppers!

I got the following in an email recently. I can't believe how stupid people are believing these kind of crap! No, for shit's sake, who would do the same bullshit ten times, in an increasing scale?!!

Subject: Beware: home depot scam

A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular

Home Depot customers, beware

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite Traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19 or 20-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say"No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just Yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware!!

Isn't he a genious?!!

It's a Good Thing...

... to have enemies who only know Arabic!

Phony Photo Booth

Next time be more careful, or this could happen to you.

Exercises Good for Your Heart ;)

Listed Below are the latest exercises approved by the Heart Association

CLICK EACH ONE BELOW

Exercise 1

Exercise 2

Exercise 3

Exercise 4

Exercise 5

Iranian Mortal Combat Warrior

You believe me not? Have fun

The Cabbie and the Nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "Okay," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher:! Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is:

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn...
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Husband Mart....!!!

A store called Husband Mart that sells husbands has just opened. Women can go there and choose a husband from among many men. The store consists of 6 floors. As you open the door to any floor you can choose a man from that floor or choose to go up to the next floor. But you cannot go back down to a previous floor, except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to Husband Mart to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremelyGood looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" And up she goes again. The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be waiting Me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists, solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!